Sexual Aides

Here are some Sexual Aides we frequently recommend for helping with specific sexual concerns. It must be said that this is really only the tip of the iceberg however. There are many other kinds of sexual aides as well.

Vaginal Dilators*

Dilators are extremely helpful in a variety of situations. After menopause, and especially after radiation treatments, the skin of the vagina gets less elastic and stretchy. In addition to providing moisture to the vagina skin, using dilators to gently stretch the skin inside the vagina can be very helpful. They can also be helpful when the muscles that surround the vagina (the pelvic floor muscles) are painful or tight.

After radiation therapy to the pelvis, scarring of the vaginal skin can lead to narrowing, shortening, or even closure of the vagina. Vaginal dilators gently stretch the vagina to keep it flexible and help to separate bands of scar tissue that could become permanent if not periodically removed. Preventing vaginal narrowing is important both for your sexual health and for allowing you to have thorough and comfortable pelvic exams.

Vaginal dilators help to:

Prevent your vagina from becoming too narrow and short
Allow your doctor to perform thorough pelvic exams (important for monitoring of cancers of the uterus, cervix, vagina and vulva)
Make it more comfortable for you to be examined by your doctor
Allow you to have vaginal sex comfortably

When can I stop using dilators?

For people using dilators to stretch tight pelvic floor muscles, you may be able to stop using dilators when you are able to comfortably have something else in the vagina (whether that’s a penis or a toy) at least once a week. Anyone out there with tight hamstring muscles? Do you ever stop stretching those muscles when you intend to do something that exerts them? No, not unless you want to get hurt! Many people will find muscles will return to a tightened state without regular stretching. Generally, we advise something in the vagina at least once a week to maintain healthy skin and stretch– so this can be sexual play or regular use of a dilator.

For those who have had radiation to the pelvis, vaginal scarring occurs for up to five years after treatment, and in some people changes that continue for up to 20 years after radiation treatments. Therefore, it’s very important to continue to use a dilator in an on-going way, even after resuming sexual play that includes vaginal entry.

How often do I need to use dilators?

At the start, dilators should be used at least 3 times a week. You will need to determine the frequency that works for you. Some people find they have greater progress if they use dilators every day and over time gradually make this less frequent.

How do I pick a dilator or dilator set?

Dilators are available in rigid plastic or softer silicone. Both work well, though the softer dilators may be more comfortable and more like skin in texture. There are LOTS of choices and it can be overwhelming. RCSW offers consultations to help you find the best one for you.

The following are a few recommendations:

Soul Source Silicone Dilators— these come in sets of 4 sizes and you can buy additional individual sizes as needed. The texture of these are more skin like and less rigid than plastic dilators. They do not include a handle. Use promo code 42369 for a 5% discount!
Intimate Rose Dilators— these also come in sets of 4 sizes with the options to buy additional sizes, they also offer an attachable handle and the pelvic wand. The link here will give you $5 off your order.
Inspire – made of silicone, curved with a finger loop rather than a handle. A set of 5 costs about $40.
Berman Dilator Set — made of hard plastic, not medical grade, have a handle. About $20 for a set of four.

Start with the smallest size and work your way up to your goal size. Sometimes it is helpful to have a measurement of the circumference of your goal size dilator. For those aiming for penis-vagina intercourse, it may be useful to measure your partner’s erect penis.

In the image, a measuring tape is used to measure all the way around the penis, also known as the circumference. This helps you determine your goal size. It may be useful to know that the average erect penis length is between 5.5 inches and 6.3 inches and average penis girth ranges from 4.5 inches to 5.1 inches. The average width (or diameter) of a penis is 1.4 inches to 1.6 inches. If penis-vagina intercourse is not your goal, that’s fine too! It’s helpful to do this for comfortable pelvic exams at the doctors and for overall vaginal health. Just pick a goal size and gradually increase to desired size.

It’s important to use dilators at a time that you are adequately physically and mentally relaxed and have privacy.

Wash your dilator with a gentle soap and water. Using warm water over the dilator right before it is used can help warm it to body temperature.
Start lying on the floor with your knees bent and legs apart (or any other position that feels most comfortable).
Take a few deep belly breaths.
Use lots of lubricant on the dilator AND on your vulva. (If you are using silicone dilators you must use water based lubricant. See Dr. Kranz’s handout on lubricants and moisturizers.)
Insert the dilator with steady, slow pressure. It may be useful to think about simultaneously pushing out from your vagina—“bearing down” or like laying an egg—the opposite movement of a traditional “kegel.”
Remember, never endure pain or discomfort above a “3” on a 0-10 scale when you are using the dilator. If there is pain you must go back to a smaller dilator or to using breathing and exercises to relax the pelvic floor muscles.
Leave the dilator in place for up to 15 minutes, until you feel relaxed and there is no discomfort. If you are comfortable, it may be time to increase to the next dilator size or to experiment with some gentle movement of the dilator. Try stretching the muscles to the sides and down (toward anus) and maintain the stretch until you feel the muscle relax.
Do this at least every 2-3 days or 3 times a week for best results.

To increase the size of the dilator, first use the preceding size for 5 minutes and then remove and try the larger size.

The websites here provide some more information:

https://www.soulsource.com/pages/videos

https://www.intimaterose.com/

https://www.mskcc.org/cancer-care/patient-education/how-use-vaginal-dilator

Dilators should be washed with soap and water and dried before storing in an enclosed container.

* dilators used for transgender care are different and protocols for use are different from what is described here as well.

Vaginal Bumpers

The OhNut is a soft buffer that allows you to control the depth of penetration during sex so you can relax and focus on enjoyment. It is soft, stretchy and has a natural feel. These are great for people who have pain with deep penetration.

We have some of these in stock at the clinic.

https://ohnut.co/products/ohnut-set

Vibrators

I’m sure you think of vibrators as being all about pleasure. But there is much more to using vibration for sexual health; vibrators can also be a helpful tool for increasing blood flow to the vulva and vagina which helps with vaginal skin resilience. They are also useful during both solo and partnered sex for those people who need a higher level of stimulation to acheive orgasm.

Now picking one: I wish this were easier! There are SO many different kinds– and every body is entirely unique. There is NO way for us to say– this one here, this is the vibrator for you! So it can be daunting, and sometimes expensive to find the right one. The only rule is to find one that is well made of high quality materials. We recommend Silicone as it is less porous and therefore easier to clean. Vibrators should be discarded if there is any breakdown in the material and should never be shared between individuals. They also should never be inserted in the anus and then the vagina due to cross-contamination of the normal bacteria in each location.

A good resource for how to choose a vibrator: https://sexualityresources.com/ask-sex-counselor/how-choose/how-choose-vibrator-and-why-use-one

Below are some good online places to find high quality vibrators curated by skilled and certified sex educators. Don’t be afraid to talk to the customer service folks at these online shops about choosing.

Penis Toys

Penis toys help people maximize pleasure or overcome dysfunctions. Fleshlights or penis sleeves can be helpful for people who are working on Premature Ejaculation (extending time to orgasm) by allowing people to practice stimulation that feels more like vaginal or anal sex. They also help with difficulty getting to orgasm (delayed ejaculation). This may, for some, increase the likelihood of partnered orgasm. They also are great toys to use as a couple when there is a concern about sexual pain.

Erection rings (sometimes called cock rings) can be useful for maintaining erections for people with ED.

Some safety tips:

Don’t wear an erection ring if you have a bleeding disorder or certain blood conditions that can increase the risk of clotting, such as sickle cell anemia.
Don’t wear an erection ring for more than 20 minutes at a time.
Use a bit of lube to make the ring easier to get on and off.
Unless you’re using a flexible ring, you’ll need to choose the right size so it does its job without cutting off circulation.
Avoid rings made of materials you may be allergic to, such as certain metals or latex.
Wash rings after every use to get rid of bacteria and reduce the risk of STI transmission.
Take it off if you feel any discomfort or pain, or notice any bruising.

Sexual Position Aides

There are a wide world of aides to help people who find it difficult to get into or maintain positions for sex as well as making sex more comfortable for those with difficulty with mobility. There are cushions and slings and all manner of tools that can help. We advise talking with a certified sex educator at a well respected shop such as one of the shops below.